Love should be simple, right? After all, aren't we talking about an easy equation of one plus one equals two?
Yes, and yet, relationships disintegrate every day; more than half of all marriages fail (mine did). The thing is, love is complicated. I've come to believe that it's less of an easy equation and more of an algorithm, one that might even stump a mind like Stephen Hawking.
That's what I'm thinking a lot about these days, anyway. And so I ask a lot of my friends, married and not, what makes their relationships work; strangers too.
The other day I asked a woman in her seventies in line at Starbucks the same question. She was holding her husband's hand tenderly and teared up when she gave me her response: "Humor, dear," she said. "He makes me laugh every day."
Of course, I'm sure their marriage has lasted for more reasons than humor. Their algorithm might include elements like adoration, care, and mutual respect. Perhaps she loves how he takes care of her. Perhaps he loves how she sews his blazer when there's a tear in the cuff.
Love works or doesn't for many reasons. But when I've questioned friends and strangers, I'm always amazed that they can almost always pinpoint the thing that holds their relationship together, the glue that keeps them intact.
For one pal, it's all about physical touch. She told me that she loves the way her husband cradles her in his arms every day (awww!). After 12 years of marriage, their chemistry is still as intense as it was in the beginning, she says.
Another friend told me that the reason her marriage has stood the test of time (more than 15 years) is because she and her husband each look for ways to make the other's life easier. "We're always thinking of ways to help each other feel less stressed," she said.
An acquaintance of mine shared that her guy makes her feel adored by telling her how beautiful she is each day. The way he showers her with compliments makes her feel adored and, in turn, makes her shower him with love.
And then there's my friend who says she loves how her boyfriend is passionate about his career, which makes her respect him all the more.
I've dated enough this year to know what might be part of my algorithm. I think it boils down to the three C's: communication, compatibility, and chemistry. Whenever I've met someone new, I've asked myself things like, "Does he love to talk, laugh, share, dream, and rehash and tell stories like I do? Are we the same on a spiritual, emotional, and playful level? Do we have similar drive in our careers? Do I feel a physical connection and pull to him?"
And that brings me to this moment: Over the past several months, I've been quietly spending time with a wonderful man who hits all the right notes for me. We both recently shut down our online dating accounts and are focusing on getting to know each other exclusively. The algorithm we're building together feels good and right. And, I'm...happy.
Tell me, what do you think the secret to a great relationship is? And what are the elements that make your love algorithm work?
xo, Sarah
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PPS: If you're just starting to read my column, and you'd like to catch up on my backstory, start here.
