Dating stereotypes usually pin a fear of commitment on men. How often have you seen shows or movies featuring a playboy who has full-body chills at the thought of women asking, "So, what are we doing, here?" But in real life, dudes don't have a monopoly on being terrified of settling down. Commitment-phobia is an equal-opportunity condition!
I once went to a presentation by Helen Fisher, Ph.D., where she described that men actually often fall faster, harder, and more intensely than women. There are various reasons women can end up avoiding exclusivity like the plague, and let's be clear: Not all of them are bad. If you''re just getting out of a relationship or realize you only seem to end up in unhealthy ones, it can actually be brilliant to refuse to let your dating wings be clipped. But if you're ready to settle down but always pull a Houdini at a crucial juncture, there are a few things you can do to change your habits.
Take a look back. Instead of only focusing on your future love life, it helps to look back on how you've gotten to this point. To avoid scampering like startled Bambi, remember amazing relationships you've ended before their time because of fear. This tactic helped a friend of mine shake herself out of a lifelong streak of commitment-phobia! She realized how many great guys she'd shaken loose even though deep down, she wanted a boyfriend. Think of it like this: If you were ravenously hungry, would you rather have a few tiny bites of various hors d'oeuvres over one huge, satisfying meal? I think not.
Talk to someone. Whether it's your most insightful friend or a bona fide therapist, there's no shame in being open with someone you trust. Explain your fears, where they stem from, and why you want that to change. When you start to feel panicked because something gets too serious, you have an outside source who can calm you down and help you through it. It's also fantastic practice when it comes to breaking down your "I'm so strong!" facade and exposing some vulnerability.
Be open with potential relationships. This is the most important step in conquering your relationship fears. When it seems like a situation is getting intense and you're itching to escape, just be honest with your possible S.O. I've been in this situation, so trust me: I get how scary it can be! But it can also be so worth it, because the right person will treat this revelation with kindness and understanding. Your commitment-phobia will become something you take on as a team. And, wouldn't you know it, teamwork just so happens to be the foundation of a blissful relationship.
Have you ever gone through a commitment-phobic phase? How did you deal?
